Gamble Spider (Triumph)/Rules for Arachnos Soldiers

During her time with Arachnos, the ever-troublesome, always-chaotic Gamble Spider has received a number of warnings from her superiors, and often has repeatedly been informed of things she should take for granted. She has kept a list of all such things, which is reproduced here. It should be noted that Gamble Spider is still with Arachnos, and so additions to this list may occur at any time. Much of this list originally appeared in this thread of the City of Heroes Forum.

The List

• The Power Transfer System is not fueled by hugs, kittens, or the laughter of children.
• The Cap Au Diable Gremlins are not a direct result of "kids today and their baggy pants".
• Ghost Widow does not need a hug.
• Neither does Seer Marino.
• Or Regent Korol.
• Or Shadow Spider.
• Should not even suggest hugging Silver Mantis.
• The Snakes are not my, or anyone else's, bestest-best friends.
• I will not tell any Night Widow she needs to "get laid".
• I will not tell Arbiter Sands that any Night Widow needs to "get laid".
• Yes, it is creepy that I think Ghost Widow's hot.
• Do not make fun of Operative Brick Johnson's name.
• I will not slash Efficiency Expert Pither's tires ever again.
• Telling Ghost Widow she's "dead sexy" is not funny.
• Even if I meant it.
• Nor is sneaking the Television into Recluse's throne room.
• I will not ask Lord Recluse about "that Red Widow chick". Ever.
• The Grandville screens are there to "educate" immigrants, they are not to be used to play video games.
• I should not replace the footage shown on the Grandville screens with scenes from "T.H.E.M.", "Plan 9 From Outer Space", or "Manos: The Hands of Fate".
• Especially not if I leave the audio from the "educational film" intact.
• The phrase "hits like a truck" is rarely more literal than when it is applied to The Wretch. I will remember this if I am ever again tempted to mock the way he talks.
• I should be aware that I am only allowed into the Crab Spider Corps on the condition that I cease making dirty "crabs" jokes.
• Captain Mako is not to be called "Sharky McFangmouth", and I am lucky to be alive after doing so.
• I will never tell an Arbiter "you're not the boss of me!".
• There is no such thing as a "Cheese Spider Colbymaster", even if I painted my uniform yellow.
• "Beer Spiders" are even less real than Cheese Spiders.
• Never talk about Willy Wheeler in front of an Arbiter.
• We do not ride Arachnobots into battle. Even if our legs are tired.
• The Luddites are not Mormons, Catholics, Taoists, or Scientologists.
• I am not allowed to quote George Orwell's "1984" at Lord Recluse until I've actually read the book instead of just pulling random sentences off the Internet.
• The proper response to an Arachnoid infestation is not "sit down with them and discuss our differences over a cup of tea".
• I am not allowed to send new recruits do deal with Arachnoid infestations any more.
• When being interviewed by Amanda Vines, the following subjects are taboo: Westin Phipps, Bane Spider loyalty (not one defector, how unusual, yes?), Operation: DESTINY, the Power Transfer System, and the personal lives of any and all Arachnos personnel.
• Arbiters have the fascinating ability to always find a suicide mission in need of an expendable Operative. I will remember this whenever I feel the urge to discuss the merits of wearing white after Labor Day.
• The works of George Orwell are banned within the Etoile Islands.
• The Children of Enos do not hold bake sales every Friday.
• The Hamidon is not "just looking for friends".
• Yes, Kuhr'Rekt talks funny. Yes, Kuhr'Rekt can kill me with his brain. No, it would not negatively impact his relations with Arachnos if he did.
• Number 204 is perfectly normal.
• No, Captain Mako and Black Scorpion do not put on monocles and fancy hats, or sit down for tea and crumpets, when no one is looking.
• Barracuda is not a pacifist.
• "Run like a scared child" is not how we deal with intrusive heroes.
• Nor is "Set off a nuke and pray".
• No, it can not be hugs time now.
• Arachnos does not observe Talk Like a Pirate Day, and even if we did, it would not be celebrated by following Captain Mako around and repeating everything he says.
• Arachnos does not have a national anthem. No, that does not mean Lord Recluse is accepting suggestions.
• Especially not suggestions that it be "The Safety Dance".
• Or "Kickstart My Heart".
• Even with modified, pro-Arachnos lyrics.
• Picking a word and replacing every instance of it in a song with "spider", "oppress", "conquer", or "pants" does not constitiute making pro-Arachnos lyrics.
• Lord Recluse is not, under any circumstances, to be referred to as "Commander Anti-Social" or "Commodore Lonely".
• Scirocco is not to be called "Lightning Facestablington".
• Weaver-1 is none of the following: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Linus Torvalds, Bill Nye's evil twin, or my personal technical support.
• I am not the white void, the cold steel, or the just sword. Neither is Arbiter Daos.
• There are no mad scientist cat-people in my chain of command.
• I will stop shouting "Astral Finish!" every time I see a Bane Spider finish off a hero with an Executioner's Strike.
• If I look Arbiter Daos right in the eye and say, "did you know? The black viola feels your sanity!", I should not be surprised when ordered to be psychologically re-evaluated.
• Crey Corporation is not a subsidiary of Sun Industries or Übercorp International.
• The Arachnos Flier is not the Hatredcopter, and its gas tank is not filled with vengeance.
• "Arbiter Daos did it" is not an acceptable response to any question.
• Especially not any question asked by a heartbroken vigilante looking to avenge a murdered lover.
• Must not tell any Arbiter that I'd rather die than get a regulation haircut, they can and will arrange that.
• I will not egg any Arachnos installation, no matter what came out when I knocked on the door while Trick-or-Treating.
• "Because it was cool" is not a valid reason to violate any Arachnos regulations.
• Scratch that: "Because it was cool" is not a valid reason to do anything.
• Giggling like a schoolgirl is never a valid substitute for explaining my actions.
• If I hang panties on the mechanical arms of a sleeping Crab Spider, they'd better be my panties.
• My panties are not to be visible while on duty.
• Especially not if I'm wearing them at the time.
• I will not encourage new Bane Spiders to test their cloaking devices by staging panty raids on Ghost Widow's tower.
• Trying to find panties in Ghost Widow's personal chambers is futile, and I am no longer allowed within a kilometer of Ghost Widow's tower.
• I will undergo psychological re-training every time I refer to undergarments. Every. Single. Time.
• If I ever try to say anything to Doctor Forrester again, he is to remind me of the "velociraptor incident", report the exchange to the nearest Arbiter, and go about his work.
• Next time I call an Arbiter "spanky", I will die. No exceptions.
• Yes, assignment to the Dig Site in Faultline is a punishment detail. That's why I'm going there.
• Lord Recluse does not wear his mask to disguise the fact that he's actually Lemmy Kilmister.
• Or K. K. Downing.
• I am not allowed to use words I don't know the meaning of. In paticular, I should stop calling Scirocco "Stevadore".
• If ordered to develop a battle plan, I will come up with something more in-depth than "shoot them until they die". If that was all the planning we needed, I would not have been ordered to make a plan.
• While it may be true that any plan where I lose my hat is a bad plan, the Arbiters are more displeased about plans where I lose my pants.
• Before advising a superior to "just throw minions at the problem", I will recall that I am a minion.
• Stop asking Tarantulas about their surgery.
• Must not suggest inappropriate uses for The Web to Regent Korol again.
• If I thought of it, and it's not what The Web is already used for, it's probably inappropriate.
• Do not kick Regent Korol's Spiderlings.
• Baldness is not a super-power, I should stop insisting that Arbiter Rein be classified as a metahuman.
• I am not allowed to create four additional Jade Spiders and modify them to combine into one larger machine.
• Must not encourage fellow soldiers to try things they saw in cartoons.
• Especially not while maintaining The Web.
• Not allowed to call Lord Recluse "Awesome McBetterthaneveryone".
• Even though Lord Recluse is, in fact, better than everyone.
• I may not instigate riots in the Etoile Islands.
• I may, however, instigate riots in Paragon City.
• I may only instigate riots in Paragon City while not in uniform.
• Tight pants are not something that the people of Paragon City typically riot over.
• Neither are wet T-shirt contests.
• Or a lack of wet T-shirt contests.
• Arbiter Rein is not a rock n' roll rebel.
• There is a great deal of paperwork which needs to be filled out within Arachnos, but none of it ever involves lists of the sexual deviancies I suspect my superiors of participating in.
• Even if I have proof.
• Arachnos Drones do not have remote controls, and if they did, I would not be allowed access to them.
• Must not call the Wolf Spiders "cannon fodder", even if they are.
• Must not call the Fortunatas "brain sisters", it creeps them out.
• When Mind Linked with a Fortunata, must not think things specifically selected to creep her out.
• Not allowed to make dirty jokes about Mind Linking.
• Not allowed to make dirty jokes about anything.
• Do not call Arbiter Sands "Arbiter Fancy" again.
• "Some stuff happened and some dude died" is not an appropriate after-action report.
• Must not paint the back of Black Scorpion's armor pink.
• Must not paint any part of Black Scorpion's armor any color.
• Arguing semantics with the Arbiters is frowned upon.
• Stop referring to the Etoile Islands as "Suck Isles".
• Not allowed to start my own crime syndicate.
• Deathsurge does not make a good pet, I must stop telling new recruits that it does.
• Doctor Aeon does not want to steal my brain.
• The Lost are not interested in becoming Wolf Spiders.
• Or Blood Widows.
• Adding more legs to an Arachnobot will not make it go faster.
• Welding two Arachnobots together, facing opposite directions, and then sending them into combat was not funny.
• Weaver-1 has no interest in hearing about my "Pocket Arachnobot" idea.
• Selling blood samples to Crey Industries is discouraged.
• Especially if they're not samples of my blood.
• Arbiter Daos is not my father.
• I am not Arbiter Daos' mother.
• Rigging Arachnobots with explosives and having them charge the enemy is frowned upon. Those things aren't cheap.
• Stop asking Vernon von Grun to build me a Gundam, Zoid, Eva unit, or other fictional combat vehicle.
• The Arachnos Pilot does not know what a Crazy Ivan is, and has no interest in finding out.
• Stop calling the Bane Spiders "Macifiers".
• Not allowed to give Terrence Dobbs ideas any more.
• I am not allowed to borrow any part of Kuhr'Rekt's armor, and should stop asking.
• Don't make Lieutenant Demitrovich question her loyalties again.
• Stop calling Marshal Brass "Captain Happy".
• When dealing with an Arbiter, I will speak only when spoken to.
• When ordered to explain my actions, not allowed to fillibuster.
• Orders and requests are entirely different things. Requests can be refused, but my superiors only give orders.